Friday, September 04, 2009

the office:

due to the exciting event of the office: season 5 coming out next tuesday i have decided to dedicate this blog post to memorable office quotations. enjoy.

Jim: [dressed up as Dwight] Question: What kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought...
Jim: Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight: Bears do not...what is going on? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! [pause] Well, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so I thank you.
[Jim pulls out a bobblehead from the briefcase and puts it on his desk]
Dwight: Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: Michael!
Dwight: Oh, that's funny. Michael!

Ryan: Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott: It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine. Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?

Michael: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

Jim Halpert: One day Michael came in, complaining about a speed bump, on the highway... I wonder who he ran over then.

Dwight: No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes, and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

Jim: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight: What?
Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Dwight: I'm not ...
Jim: Dwight, you know what? Just back off. Okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way.(Dwight looks at the tape recorder)
Jim: Oh, my God. He's got a knife!
Dwight: (Speaking into the recorder) I do not have a knife!
Jim: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Shrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck.
Dwight: (Shouts into the recorder) Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim: (Grabs the recorder and speaks into it) Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight: (Snatches the recorder back) I am not!
Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in, Dwight. Get his autograph for Michael, quickly.
Dwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, okay?
Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?(Dwight glances down)
Jim: Oh my God, Karen, you're right. That is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dwight: You can't see my stomach—
Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis's head with a chainsaw!(Dead silence)
Andy: (Imitates a chainsaw) Vring-ing-ing-inging. (Clears throat)

and of course, the office would not be complete without the phrase: "That's what she said"

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